I once read that there are two basic emotions that underly all others: love and fear. I know both quite well, but to be quite honest, I'm not always clear which is which. I love my husband and like to do nice things for him, but I'm often aware there's an underlying fear that if I don't do nice things he won't stay. And knowing the difference between love and fear in parenting is nearly impossible. I remember feeling that fierce love and terror of having a newborn in my arms. I was responsible for their very lives and I would do anything -- anything -- for them. I remember being so scared to go grocery shopping with Anna when she was brand new because I was afraid someone would steal her. I was so scared to lose her. I was also so scared that I would ruin her life (still working on that one.) When she was a couple of weeks old we flew to New York state for my Grandmother's funeral and I remember sobbing in the bathroom thinking we'd have to give her up for adoption because I could not be a good mother. And all of this fear was because I loved her so much.
And I do love my kids so much. And as a very biased mother, I would say if you knew my kids you'd love them too. But fear tempers that love. I still get fierce in parking lots, and Ezra says, "You're being mean Mom." And he's right, because I'm afraid he'll get hurt and I love him so much I don't want him to get hurt, because it would hurt me too. But if parenting teaches people anything, it's how to let go. Sting says if you love someone, set them free. My children have to have space --demand that space -- to make their own choices, including their own mistakes. I'll blog another time about the demands society puts on parents, particularly mothers, but I'll say this -- life is not about perfection, it's about wholeness and wholeness includes wisdom that can only come from making mistakes.
So it comes back to a dress. The fear of screwing it up has been draining me, so as an act of love for myself I took a deep breath, faced my fear, and started in on it again. It didn't have the same glow as the beginning and there were moments of serious frustration (like putting the invisible zipper in backwards), but tomorrow I will hang it at Field's Fabrics, and I'll know that facing my fear and the wisdom that comes from that confrontation with imperfection is always the better choice.
